Posted by: beansai | October 21, 2007


As I go over the huge list of homework I have for this weekend and omit check-marks next to them (because I have yet to do anything this weekend), I can’t help but wonder if this insistence on waiting until the last minute is more than just laziness. Of course it is. I’m not doing it, because I have no motivation to. My logical brain keeps pressing an alarm, which sounds in my head, telling me it’s time to get on the ball, suck it up, and just do my homework. But somehow, my hand just finds the snooze button over and over and over again. So here I am, posting on everything I can, so I feel a little less guilty about ignoring my responsibilities.

(OMG huge rant, feel free to skip this if you like, I won’t take it personally.)

I’ve never been much of a fan of school, I’ve usually just committed to it because of some complex in my head that tells me I have to. Then there are semesters, like this one, where I revolt against my chosen servitude. I hate school, I hate the pressure of grades and feeling like I have to impress professors (especially if I’ve had them before). I have never been one that could keep up with the fast pace of an American life. I get overwhelmed in no time. This is where I am at now. It has only been a year since I took a year off of school and just worked. Last year I did both school and work and managed well enough, but this semester my systems are shutting down. I can’t focus and somehow, everything else seems so much more important.

I’m frustrated that I never have time for myself to recharge my mental batteries, because I’m one of those people that desperately needs that time. And I don’t mean to say that friends and family get in the way of that, but my spare time is so limited that I would rather spend time with them than take that time for myself. It’s a conscious choice and I would make the same one every time. I just feel that I shouldn’t have to choose between the two. Not like I get to see my family that often. Scheduling time to go visit my parents out of state is difficult between school and work. Sure I get scheduled breaks for school, but then work gives me shit if I want to take a week off to go visit family. Why is it that the few times I schedule off are constantly questioned, but my co-worker who has gone on about five vacations this year already (and still has another one planned), is never questioned? I’m sorry, but what the fuck!?!?

I hate the consumption of time for what seems like useless goals. Graduating…what does that really mean to me? I don’t want a career. I never have. The only thing I was taught growing up, and the only thing I really took to, was raising kids. I don’t remember ever talking about those cliche kid dreams of being a doctor, lawyer, firefighter, astronaut. My parents would have encouraged me had I wanted to go there, but I didn’t. Instead my mom and I starting naming my future kids when I was just a kid myself. The only other real interest I had was my ice skating, which I did for eight years. Then I had an injury and my paents decided I wasn’t allowed to go back after that. So why are they so frustrated now that I have no aspirations? I was only good at doing what I was told, and they were always good at telling me what to do…now I have no one telling me what I should be do, so I’m meandering about campus pretending that I have some sort of direction…but really. I can’t help it…feminists would hate me…I just want to be a stay at home mom. I’ve never had serious interests in anything else. I enjoy reading and I enjoy writing, but on most days I think I am mediocre at best and have no confidence that it’ll take me anywhere, I write because it’s an outlet. Same reason that I sing to songs in the car, because it’s an outlet for emotion, but I have the sense to never try to be a singer. I can’t carry a tune. That’s my life, constantly out of tune. I’m not pretentious enough to say that I dance to the beat of my own drum. I rather think that I’m just slow.

So here I am, trying hard to work my way to a degree that I have no intentions to do anything with. Instead I seem to be filling the time between now and the future. What that future is, I haven’t the slightest idea. I’d like to think that I’ll get married, have kids, yadda yadda, that cliche nuclear family. The thing is, I know that is likely never to happen. I don’t have enough faith, if you will, in people. Especially on the relationship front. I’d like to say that I’ll grow up, I’ll mature, and I’ll meet someone that just works with me, but that’s bullshit. The people I do meet are only in passing and on the whole, I never meet anyone new, and I like it that way. So there go my plans for kids someday.

I have no real talents, I’m mediocre at everything. I’m a slow learner too. Anything that I’m decently good at is useless in the income department and I hate my retail jobs and office jobs that pay shit and hassel me about taking time off and lock me into a horrid schedule. I want to stay home and crochet, write my blog, write poetry (but never publish), read books, and take care of my dog. My dad would tell me money doesn’t grow on trees…I know, I know Dad! Thank you for your uninspiring pep talks, telling me to suck it up when I’m struggling with reality. Well Dad, maybe I never had a grip on reality. Just because I’m good at mimicking people’s methods of responsibility, doesn’t mean I understand why I do it, or that I really want to. God I hate the contradictions within myself. I know what I should do, and I know what I want to do, but I’m too damn chicken shit to do either. Instead I sit in this state of in-between and confusion. I just want to say “fuck it all” and leave it at that…then start over somewhere else….somewhere.



  1. You know, it takes a lot to keep going in the situation you are in. Despite how easy it can be to say fuck-it, it takes an even stronger person to stick with it and allow themselves to be slowly brought to insanity. Of course once there I dunno whether it is being strong or just a downward spiral. But don’t worry I don’t see you there yet. I remember when you took a break from school. You were in a seriously dangerous situation regarding your health and well being. And just as last time I would definitely step in. I know it isn’t my place to say what or when you should do something but you can always count on my honesty.

    I hope this made some sense. Just hang in there bean, it WILL mean something in the end. Perhaps that will be the best surprise of all.

  2. Thank you.

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