Posted by: beansai | February 1, 2008

The Change

    No, I’m not going through menopause at a ridiculously young age. Instead I am confronting a change of living circumstances. My good roommies, Skunkie and Polyvector, for the last year and a few months moved, out this morning (Note: my internet went out right when I was about to post this on Tuesday evening…), toting their Penske truck full of stuff back to good ol’ Southern California. I can’t say that I’ve been very supportive or delicate at this time of transition, but honest, it wasn’t out of any ill will.

    I’ve never been the type of person to handle change well. Having to find a new job will send me into a frenzied panic and often tears. Finding a new apartment is just as bad. I remember when I was searching for a new apartment a few years ago after another roommate had moved on. The market was ass for a full-time student that was out of a job and required a co-signer. I went from complex to complex searching out a place that would keep me on budget (since my parents would be paying for the time being, thanks to the business I worked for shutting down), but also managed to maintain my sanity. Funny how I draw that line of whether or not my sanity will tumble depending on where I live. But like I said, I’ve never handled change well. After about the fifth let down, I barely made it to the car in time before I burst into tears and called my mother in a panic, because everywhere I went was either too expensive, too scary, wouldn’t accept students, wouldn’t accept co-signers or some other such nonsense. I hate apartment hunting. For me, there is generally very little thrill in the idea of new surroundings and living space.

    So here I am again, changes constantly happening, because that is life and I simply haven’t learned to accept it, even after all this time. Goodbyes have always been another hard one for me. In fact, if I can avoid them, I will. Every time I have to say a serious goodbye to people I care about, it’s like severing off a limb. I become debilitated for awhile, adjusting to the phantom tingles of a solid presence that is no longer there. And prior to the surgery, I do my best to pretend that the limb is already gone, because I know, after I wake up the next morning, I will no longer be able to use it.

    Perhaps if I had a large amount of friends and family that were near and dear to me, the loss of them (even to something as “superficial” as distance) would not effect me as much, but I don’t and it does. I could count the people I am close to on one hand. The other hand would count my acquaintances that I wouldn’t mind seeing a movie with or having dinner outside of school or work. So this would account for my exaggerated reactions to the absence of those I love.

    While I really do hope for the best for my good friends, I must admit that a small, horrendously selfish part of me hopes everything goes wrong (as far as apartmenting goes (not health or any such thing as that!)). In that egocentric center of my brain, I can’t help but imagine them crawling back to me, saying that they made a mistake, that they need me, that it just wasn’t the same without me around. But this is delusional and disdainful, I know. So, instead, I try to grit my teeth, smile, crack jokes, laugh, and try my damndest not to cry, even though the reality that my best friends, and only friends here in my town, have left me. I can’t help but feel abandoned and utterly alone, though I know this too, is irrational.

    I’ve lived by myself before for over year, and while I made it work and kept myself busy, ultimately, the solitude got even to someone like me, who has an amplified fear of commitment and hermit tendencies. So when Skunkie and Poly needed a place to live, I was more than happy to shove them and all their belongings into my small spare bedroom. I hoarde my friends like the scraps of yarn I have tucked away in a drawer. It isn’t that I view them as objects, I simply can’t imagine anyone or anything wanting to leave me. Not because I think I’m so wonderful, no, it’s more of a brick wall that I hit in my brain, not letting me think that far ahead, not letting me bring on the waves of self-doubt and fears of abandonment.

    I’ve never been a graceful person, and I react about as gracefully as I walk…which means I simply don’t. I try to make the best of these kind of circumstances, because honestly, I need to GROW UP! But chastising myself has no motivation, instead, I only feel worse. So I indulge and cater to my emotional wounds that have always been open, pouring more salt in there, because it makes me feel a little better, for a little while, in this pool of pathetic self-pity. So there goes it. I wish I had some gallant post of bravery and bravado, rather than this piteous post of abhorrent humanity. Sometimes I hate admitting I have feelings as raw and human as the next person, sometimes I would rather not feel at all, and sometimes I wish I could feel something more…anything other.

    At this stage, I have completely forgotten what my original goal of this post was…perhaps a backhanded way of saying I am going to miss you guys, Skunkie and Poly, more than you could know…or to battle out the demons that have been bashing in my poor brain all day, telling me that I’m worthless and unloved…or to say I’m sorry if I seemed distant in the end, because it was just some pathetic attempt at self-preservation…or perhaps it was supposed to be a mixture of all these things…

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Responses

  1. Oh Bean, you must realize we knew why you were keeping your distance while we were in the final stages of our move. And we of course hold no I’ll feelings over anything that was said or done in the end. We miss you and your company more than you might realize, or perhaps as much as you hope. I wish I could some everything nicely in one public comment but alas, I don’t think I currently posses the grace or brain power at the moment. I just wanted to let you know we were thinking about you, and despite your evil subconscience thoughts all is going well. 😉

    I am hoping to have my computer setup soon and get you all our new info. All the best from Southern California!

  2. Well of course I figured as much, seeing as how you’ve known me for far too long to not know my sad lil tactics, but I still felt the need to fess up I guess. Anywho, I am glad that things are going well. Now hurry up and get yer putey set up and post some pics!


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