Posted by: beansai | April 7, 2008

Struggling through….

    I have been writing poetry since I was about 13. Not that it was really much more than teenage angst at that age, but still… Going through my backlog of poetry, most of it makes me cringe. It is awful, horrid, pathetic and ridiculously embarrassing at how good I once thought it was. But I’m okay with this. I keep this bad poetry around to help remind me of how much I have grown as a writer and how much more growth I can still achieve.

    The problem I have been recently facing is the inspiration to write in general. This past fall and this spring I have been taking poetry workshop classes at the university I am attending. I’ve had the same professor for both of these courses. My frustration with the course is that nothing about it inspires me to write. Maybe there are just too many people in the class and so you get less individual attention, which makes it feel like there is less room to grow. Or maybe it is just a difference in styles between the way it is taught and the way I learn. Either way, I feel stilted in this environment. I write the poems to get the job done, not because a stroke of genius comes to me or because I am excited about trying a new technique for the next assignment. It has become a chore essentially. This is heartbreaking.

    There are a lot of factors that play into this despondent, dragging desire to write. It is frustrating though that I have taken literature classes that have inspired me to write more than these actual writing classes. I just don’t know how to interpret the circumstances. Is it me? Is it the teacher? Is it both? I can’t wait to get into a new environment though. I need a refresher. Perhaps my circumstances have become stagnant and that is why I can’t seem to push through this phase. I have been living here for nearly seven years…no maybe it’s more like six…but still, that’s quite a long time of sitting quietly and minding my own business.

    I’m surprisingly excited and terrified about graduate school. I’m excited about my choices of schools and I’m scared to death that none of them will want me and I’m frightened that they will, because I’ve never handled change well, but I feel so ready for it at this time in my life. I’m so ready to burst my oxygenated bubble I’ve lived in for most of my life. I’m most excited about the thought of applying to schools over seas. I’ve been harboring this hope for awhile. I know attending a graduate school in another country will cost me an arm and a leg (thank you Uncle Sam for supplying the immediate needs in that department), but I really really really really really want this. I’ve got a couple of schools picked out in my country of choice and I’m going to hold my breath until next April (about the time I should find out whether or not I am accepted). Just the thought of being accepted makes me nearly crap my pants. And just the thought of being rejected nearly makes me crap my pants. I guess I better make sure to open the mail while sitting on the toilet then.

    My range of emotions have been all over the board lately. I’m so thrilled and happy that I’m graduating in December (assuming I don’t screw anything up). I’ve gone from elation to panic at the idea that my undergrad career is so near it’s end. I’ve nearly broken down a few times at the stress of it all, but at the end of the day, I just can’t wait. I’m so excited about what’s waiting out there for me (even if it is just more schooling). This is something that I’ve never really felt before. I’m baffled in a happy disconnected way…I don’t even have the sufficient words to describe the mental place I am at right now.



  1. I try not to read anything I wrote in high school. I think I have buried it away deep in a container somewhere only to emerge when I am old and grey. Granted I don’t write poetry, but I know the feelings you are describing when reading over my essays.

    A stagnant environment often stifles my creativity when it comes to writing. I have found that long walks to get the blood flowing help a lot. I am usually ready to write something after about a good hour of roaming the streets. 😉 I can’t imagine work->school->home being that inspirational. No matter, I am sure you will find your groove. I wish I could offer some kind of tips, but writing about technology vs. poetry are very different beasts,

    Phew! Still more commenting a foot. Might wanna grab a cup of coffee before continuing.

    I am very excited about your graduating/grad school, while I have deprived myself of this experience it is neat to actually see a very close friend whom I respect go through it. I even feel scared for you, but in that anxious exited way. I don’t think I could explain it if I tried. All i know is where ever you go, I will bum a place to stay off you to escape the oh-so-exciting/never stopping roller coaster of a life I lead. 😛

    Anywho, I think I might be done now. GO Bean GO!

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