Posted by: beansai | April 9, 2008

Journal Entry #12: Following Up

    My mood went south pretty much for the entire day. I tried hard to keep it together. Skipped Shakespeare, because I just wasn’t there. I needed to clear my head. So, instead, I went to work. My job is fairly low key so that wasn’t too big of an issue. But it was still a struggle to keep my crashing emotions in check. I wrote to get as much out of my head as I possibly could. While that relieved some of the cranial pressure building up, I was still hounded by all the thoughts that had bombarded me on my drive to work. Sure, they were quieter and only making themselves ever so slightly known, but I had already had too much for the day.

    I also learned today that I am a bad sport when I am in a bad mood. Displacing my frustrations, I took it all out on the sad little raquetball and raquet I use after work. My co-worker/friend and I go to the local rec center and play a few rounds on the raquetball courts. Typically I don’t mind losing. I’ve never been a competitive person. This is why I never really made it big as a figure skater. Perhaps they wouldn’t have given up so easily no me if I had been fiercer in my desire to kick everyone else’s ass in competitions. So I pretty much always lose when we play. Usually I laugh it off. I don’t take winning anywhere near as seriously as my co-worker. Today though, I just needed it. I needed to win. And twice I lost….barely. After the second round, when I should have won (but unfortunately I suffer from the choke factor), I lost it. Every frustration culminated and peaked at this point. I yelled and stomped and kicked the sad little green raquetball. Basically, I threw a major fit, like a two-year-old.

    I’m not mad at myself for this outburst. Only annoyed that I feel the need to misdirect my anger and frustration in a direction other than where it belongs. But how can I possibly yell and stomp at a mother that doesn’t exist for me. At a history that I don’t know. I am the only piece to the puzzle that I have and I’ve geared enough of these frustrations toward myself in my lifetime. I’m trying to recuperate this evening, trying to remind myself that this isn’t worth the drama that I am making of it. But that’s the thing…it is.

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