Posted by: beansai | April 12, 2008

Journal Entry #14: Moving On

    Since my brain burst with Solar Storms, I decided to switch to Fatima Mernissi’s memoir, Dreams of Trespass. So far I am feeling good about the direction I am taking with this text. Perhaps it is the safer choice of the two, but I need it. Frankly I can’t afford the time emotional melt-downs take. Hence the reason that I chose a text I had a little more distance from. I also feel that I am more focused in my ideas and not being pulled in a thousand directions like I was for Linda Hogan’s novel.

    Tackling the construction of female identity in a patriarchal society is a very appropriate approach for this text, I think. I guess what I am having the hardest time with is the fact that I faltered on my first attempt. Now I feel as though I’m constantly second-guessing myself. I don’t think I’ve ever been a terribly confident writer. Or person for that matter. I can fake it when I need to, but it just isn’t something I was raised with. I suppose then that this self-doubt isn’t really that unusual. I much prefer texts like Goat, where I had this clear concise rhetorical argumentative claim. And I felt that I had touched on something that no one else had thought of..or I hoped no one else had thought of. Which made me insanely protective of my idea…I frankly didn’t want to tell anyone. Haha. So I guess I’m struggling with the originality of my arguments. Am I not taking enough risk? Am I sacrificing creativity for my own sanity? Is this going to hurt my final grade? And now, slowly, panic begins to settle in again.

    What I liked about my first choice was that I felt I had unique perspective on it. The trouble was that I had no idea how to effectively articulate that perspective, at least not in any clear, concise, cohesive manner. I mean, even when I tried explaining what I wanted to do, I fumbled my words and struggled to really get them out. I haven’t had that hard of a time describing what I wanted to do in awhile. So I made a choice, but am I always going to sit here and wonder if it was the right one? What if this choice is too safe and I get a bad grade and then realize I should have done the other one? I wouldn’t even know where to go for secondary sources for the approach I wanted to take on the initial text. And I’m no psychologist. I only know what I’ve gone through, what my brother has been through.

    I’ll follow through on my second choice. I don’t really have the time to search out something else to do. And I’m okay with it. It’s an enjoyable read and I like learning something about another culture. Especially one that has such negative stereotypes associated with it in Western culture. It was much more positive than I would have imagined it when I first started reading it. And I’m glad. I like learning something, I like learning when I have preconceived notions about something and they’re wrong. I’d rather think much more kindly of people than I have a tendency to. So, ultimately, I’m happy with my choice to move on and hopefully my arguments will be strong enough and creative enough that I won’t have to worry.

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