Posted by: beansai | April 20, 2008

Journal Entry #17: The Language of Abandon

    The thoughts came up again today, the issues of adoption and the expression of abandon. I feel as though it is an unspoken language, as though it is undiscovered. I know more people than just me speak this tongue, this language of abandon. It’s as though we haven’t found each other yet. As though we haven’t collected and made an identity for ourselves.

    It’s like speaking woman in a society based off a male-dominant language; the masculine always being the default, the feminine having no real words of her own. It’s like being atheist in a deeply religious community. You know others are out there, but they’re not the congregating kind. Voices become diminished in this linear construct. We seem to exist in parallel universes, colliding with the mainstream and becoming lost amongst it all, trying to trick our tongues into slurring false truths.

    I want to know how to speak the words of absence, how to quiet the presence that is missing and always calling for me. I don’t know my own language; I don’t know the language of my body, speaking from the inside out.

    I’m trying so hard to formulate sentences in the language of the social, the words where people are connected and living, but my story is neither. It’s about the disconnection, the deadness that is left behind in wondering. I can only be vague and round-about; there is no direct translation for what I know.

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