Posted by: beansai | August 8, 2008

Pouring rain, but still dry as a desert in my brain…

    I think I broke my creative brain. My poet’s brain. While I haven’t exactly been happy with most of the stuff I’ve written in the past year, I was at least writing. But damn, as soon as I officially decided to apply to grad schools for a masters in creative writing, I was suddenly completely juiced. I mean, this hasn’t been just writer’s block, it’s been a serious mental road block that I can’t see beyond. Not that I imagine I will never write a poem again, that’s ridiculous. I’ve had some minor “successes”…success in that I wrote something down, rather than it actually being worth reading, but still, not enough to feel secure in my abilities.

    I suppose it is more like a serious case of stage fright. The idea that people will read my work and judge whether or not I am worthy is a daunting prospect for me. I’ve always hated competition, being judged, trying to fit a mould or outside one…I always seem to end up on the wrong side of the defining line. So basically, I’ve psyched myself out and my creative brain has gone into hiding. Too much pressure at once I suppose. Expecting myself to write 25 pages worth of new poems is rather intimidating. Not to mention the other things I have to do to even be considered for a spot in grad schools. It has just taken me awhile to figure out why I’ve been so brain-dead lately.

    Lucky for me, I’m going to be taking another poetry class this semester with a new prof and hopefully some other new blood (last thing I need is the dude that tells me my shit is “self-indulgent” around). My hope is that this class will help get my creative juices flowing again. I’m hoping to encounter new techniques and new styles. I’ve been in a bit of robot-mode this summer…work, home, work, home, work, home, etc. I’ve had time to do other things, but just couldn’t seem to get myself in the mind frame. Obviously not even for doing much posting here on Lit Bit, despite having read a few books this summer. But the clock is quickly counting down to my graduation, so that means I’ll need to go into overdrive and really push myself and my creative brain. Hopefully things will start looking up once I coach myself over this block. đŸ™‚

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