Posted by: beansai | March 3, 2009

Sitting tight…

     I haven’t been around much since January, I know. Neither have I technically been up to much either. Just sitting and waiting…trying to be patient. Everyday, around four o’clock, when the mail comes, it feels as though someone is crocheting with my intestines and I think I’ll vomit. I finally finished applying to grad schools, dropping some here and some there, and now all that is left to do is play the waiting game. I hate this game. I hate that period of suspension where I just don’t know what to do with myself. Do I find a job and tell them (or not) that I’m going to be leaving in four months (I would like to, but I can’t say for sure that I am)? Do I just stay at home and try desperately not to spend money (which could barely be afforded)? Or do I go the pessimistic route of a “career” job? Alternative: sit at home and just wait for the mail to get here – I feel nauseous thinking about it. So instead I have been wandering around in a bit of a stupor, a zombie-like trance. I’ll call it a defense mechanism, a mode to prevent extensive thinking or dwelling on particular subjects. Problem is, of course, that I end up zoning everything else out as well and about the only thing I end up good for is some Halo 3, movie watching, book reading and cooking dinner for me and my parents.

     I’ve applied for a few jobs, but I find that I usually screw up the wondrous personality tests they make you take in order to get a damn retail job. I mean, come on! We’re talking about cashiering at the likes of book stores and Wal-Mart and such. If I wasn’t postal sounding prior to these tests, I’m sure I am after my schizophrenic answers of loving and hating people – as if anyone’s relationship to their fellow beings could be dwindled down to “strongly disagree,” “disagree,” “agree,” “strongly agree.” I get confused between answering in a state of annoyance (because I usually find my response to the questions depending completely on the details of the circumstance described) and trying to work around the psychology behind the question itself. And then by the end of the application process I’m feeling discouraged. I’m not generally one of those people that is well represented on paper – in fact I’m generally not well represented after one face to face meeting. Instead I’m the kind of person you need to meet with a few times before you can really decide whether or not you like me. *Sigh*

     Okay, enough complaining. Just feeling a bit stuck these days and trying to work it all out in my head. At the same time I’m desperately hoping that the lack of letters from colleges is a sign that my application has made it further along the acceptance process than others. *fingers crossed* In the meantime I will brood a little more about how unfair a representation of my personality job applications are and wish that they would just ask me to write an essay analyzing a good book or cook them up a nice poem about stocking shelves.



  1. Good luck on your grad school acceptance letters… I find myself dreading getting mail these days, which sucks. I, too, can’t stand those 30-page retail job questionnaires you’re forced to take… I took a retail job when I was 16 at Kmart -__- Bad.

  2. @gamemammoth – Thank you! And yeah those questionnaires are dreadful. :/

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